


All I Could See Was Blue

by 100hearteyes



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Clexa, F/F, the one I published on Tumblr for Clexa Week
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-23
Updated: 2015-07-23
Packaged: 2018-04-10 20:39:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4406729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/100hearteyes/pseuds/100hearteyes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They won the war but the Grounders have suffered a huge blow. Lexa can’t help but blame Clarke.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All I Could See Was Blue

**Author's Note:**

> In this timeline, Lexa didn’t take the deal but maybe that was the worst choice she could have possibly made.
> 
> I wanted to make people consider that maybe Lexa’s choice to betray Clarke, however painful it was for all of us and the girls themselves, wasn’t that bad.
> 
> This is angsty but for a good reason :)

### one-shot 

 

It was hard not to muse on what could have happened. What if. What if not. Maybe if something had gone slightly differently. Maybe if different decisions had been made. Maybe. Perhaps. Who knows…

Maybe in some other timeline, in some other universe, this was not their fate. Maybe she would have said yes. Maybe she would have made that decision with her head instead of her heart.

“Lexa…?”

It was a weak-voiced call, almost as silent as a whisper. Lexa turned to face the sound, her eyes weary and her paint smudged all over her face. Her hands were black from wiping tears from her dark-tainted cheeks. She swallowed thickly and tried to straighten her back.

But she couldn’t. How could she straighten a body oppressed by the weight of over a thousand deaths? She closed her eyes once more before opening them again, her pain-struck expression now replaced by complete absence of emotion.

“Lexa…?”

“I heard you the first time, Clarke,” Lexa retorted dryly. “You do not have to repeat yourself to make your voice heard.”

Clarke walked in, slowly approaching Lexa. The Commander was sitting on her own bed, elbows on her knees. In spite of the strong front she was trying to put up, Clarke could see right through her. And what she saw was defeat.

They had won the war. They had triumphed over the bone marrow stealing, Ripper creating people of Mount Weather. However, the scars that victory had inflicted were sure to never go away. Unlike blood and dirt, those were marks they could never wash off their skin. And unlike the physical ones, those were scars that no amount of cloth could ever cover up.

They would live with them, in and on them too. They would be there, blurring the brightness in their eyes, hunching their backs, creasing their brows, turning their smiles into tears. Whispering close to their ears like the curse of a thousand ghosts. Never truly letting go.

“Why have you come here, Clarke?” Lexa seethed. It stung. Clarke flinched, feeling the resentment in her tone.

“I came to see if you were okay,” she said softly, like a single wrong word could break Lexa apart. Given her gut-wrenching state of bitterness, maybe it could.

“If I was okay?” the Heda slithered like a viper through every letter. “Is that all you have to say? After all that happened?”

Clarke held her hands up, trying to help them losing their temper.

“Take it easy, Lexa. I’m not here to fight you.”

“Well I am here to fight you! You! You were responsible for hundreds of my men falling, hopelessly, before the wall of fire created by the Mountain Men,” Lexa roared, standing up in an angry jag. “You were the one that sent us down there to die with false hopes of saving everyone and spilling minimal blood, and having our people back!”

She was pacing the room, each time coming dangerously close to Clarke only to turn away immediately with a hurtful expression of disgust in her face. The sky girl kept calm and still despite herself.

“I don’t see how pinning it all on me will help you, Lexa,” she coaxed.

“I’m already far past any help from you or anybody, Clarke. But yes, it was you. I had an offer, Clarke. Leave you and your people to die and walk away with my own, ready to fight another day. And yet, you would not let me take it.”

“Wait. What?” Clarke was taken aback by those words. That was the first time she had ever heard of such an offer.

Lexa rolled her eyes. “An offer to break the alliance, take my people being held prisoners and walk away unscathed. If I knew what I know today…”

“You would have taken it?”

That hurt Clarke beyond words.

“Don’t be a hypocrite, Clarke. If it meant saving your people, not spilling any sky blood and not having to worry about the alliance anymore, would you really not take the offer?”

Clarke swallowed thickly and frowned. She couldn’t say that she wouldn’t have. Not after voluntarily killing hundreds of innocent people. But she couldn’t say that she would have either. Where would she draw the line? How could she say that the lives of her 44 were more important than those of the hundreds of innocent people they had basically murdered on Mount Weather? And how could she say it was worth betraying Lexa?

“I… I don’t know.”

Lexa paused, becoming calmer after the torment, which worried Clarke even more. Angry, desperate, berating Lexa was painful to see; but furiously calm, gelid Lexa was another beast completely. It was terrifying to watch, it scared you to the bone and sent freezing, burning chills all the way down your spine.

She walked back to Clarke, slowly this time, pointing her finger at the blonde. She could see it in her green eyes; that frozen anger that the Grounders sang daunting fire camp songs about.

“It was you, Clarke,” Lexa slated, “It was you that made me say no and sacrifice most of my spear-wielding soldiers in a war that only rifles could fight. It was you who had all her people rescued and well while my people battled and died.”

“I had losses too!” Clarke exclaimed, angry that the Commander was making it all about her. “Many of my warriors died too.”

“Your 44 are alive and well, so is most of your army,” Lexa spat. “Mine is in shreds. The few that survived are wounded, I almost lost my own life trying to protect you!”

“I never asked you to protect me,” Clarke blustered. “I just wanted to save our people from Mount Weather!”

By then, Lexa was already face-to-face with her, standing less than a foot away. Her expression was that of cold rage.

“Your people, you mean. Your plan was certain death for mine. You knew it, I knew it too. And yet I chose to follow like a sheep her devious master. It’s all because of you. I had an offer; save my people and flee, and I did not take it because of you.”

“Why because of me?”

“Because you had me in your hand! You kept me from taking the deal with your false hopes and your cries for battle and your– _goodness_. And your voice, tingling in my mind, telling me not to accept that offer, telling me to think not with my head but with my heart, going against all that a Commander is supposed to do.”

Clarke was now seeing a new version of Lexa. Her voice was trembling and there was a lonely tear sliding down her cheeks. Her body was shaking ever so slightly, her eyes not so much enraged as they were splattered by pain.

“All I could see was blue,” she wept, her voice completely broken.

Suddenly, she collapsed. Clarke was able to grab her just in time, draping her arms around her and keeping her from falling. The weight was too much to hold nonetheless and Clarke let herself fall slowly on her knees, her arms still wrapped around Lexa’s just below the shoulders. The Commander was lost in some distant agonizing world.

“All I could see was blue,” she repeated in a murmur. “Your eyes, looking at me, holding my gaze; looking into my heart. Wrapping me around your little finger like a lovesick puppet.”

Clarke held Lexa close to her chest and stroked her hair, trying to appease her. She rested the Grounder’s head on her shoulder and whispered inaudibly at her ear in a soothing voice.

“I lost so many of them,” Lexa muffled, her voice muted by Clarke’s clothes. “So many. How can I be Heda if I cannot put my people’s best interest before my own?”

“You are a great Heda, Lexa.” Clarke murmured to the green-eyed girl’s hair, kissing her head gently. “And an even better person.”

“Do you know how hard it was for me to form the coalition? Then I formed an even more debatable alliance with your skaikru. I went to war for you and now my people hate me because of that. The plan was so simple, though. Trojan horse, disable the dam. Get our people out and battle from within. But then–”

Then, reality came crashing down on all of them. The Grounders wore simple clothes and wielded simple weapons. The Mountain Men wore army gear and wielded fire guns. All those that were not immune to radiation had shielded themselves in level 5, waiting for the alliance to come and try to get them. Some of their own had been taken hostage. There was only one way out.

“All those children… I ordered Finn killed only to do what he had done all over again.”

“No. This was war, Lexa. You had no idea. _We_ had no idea.”

Lexa got her head off Clarke’s shoulder, leaning back and looking in the other girl’s intense blue eyes. Her stare was shattered, empty except for a small flicker of profound sadness.

“Yes we did,” she said simply.

The worst part for Lexa had been that while they had been busy trying to find a way that did not include massacre, the Mountain Men soldiers had caught up with them. The alliance was starting to relinquish, unable to hold against a much smaller but better armed force. Lexa was the one to solve their problem. In order to win, they had to have bait. They both knew who it had to be — the Grounders. That was the precise moment that Lexa’s body became an empty shell.

“Anya, Gustus, Indra, Lincoln. The body count started the moment you arrived.”

“I cared about Lincoln too, Lexa. He was my people as much as yours. And what do you have to say about Finn?”

Clarke knew it was unfair to bring him up. Finn had paid the price of his actions; he had suffered the consequence of cold-bloodedly murdering 18 people for no valid reason.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t– What I mean is… It’s not my fault, or yours. It’s war.”

Lexa shook her head, her gnawing guilt stifling her every move.

“I failed them because of my feelings,“ she said. "It was weakness. Love is weakness. I killed them, Clarke. The Heda always puts her people first. The Heda belongs to her people. But I acted like I belonged to you.”

"Lexa, you know that’s not true.”

Seeing Lexa crumble brought a stinging pain to Clarke’s eyes. Just hours ago, she was a fierce warrior, kissing her and smiling like the world was their own and maybe they deserved better than just surviving. Now she was just that broken thing, scars in her eyes and tears scraping the skin down her limbs.

“I sent 300 of my men to die on that ship. Then I let 250 people burn from that missile. Now at least another 400, plus all the innocent people on Mount Weather. All that bloodshed… And if we look closely, it all boils down to you.”

Now she was looking at Clarke like there was something both beautifully wondrous and wretchedly repulsing about her.

“Right now I don’t know if I love you… or I hate you.”

Clarke shut her eyes to keep the tears from falling. Wide wandering green eyes gazed at the sky girl like she was no more than a stranger who Lexa felt distantly familiar with.

“What have we done, Clarke?”

“I don’t know” the sky girl shrugged in resignation. “It’s just too horrible for words.”

Lexa looked silently away.

“But you need to snap out of it, Lexa. You need to snap out of it and fight.” Clarke said, trying to inject some life back into the carcass kneeling by her side.

“Have you not heard? The war is over.”

“The fight only ends when the Earth takes us back to her womb. Remember what you taught me, Commander. The dead are gone. The living are hungry.”

Lexa then looked back at her and all Clarke saw was a handful of nothing.

“I’m not hungry anymore.”

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos! Comments! Bring them! :D
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr here: http://100hearteyes.tumblr.com


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